When you hear that the alcohol industry — yes, the very same crew that brought you hangovers, DUI checkpoints, and “It seemed like a good idea at the time” tattoos — is lobbying Congress to ban hemp-derived intoxicating drinks, you know we’ve officially entered Clown World.
These liquor lobbyists wrote a letter to Congress (and probably spilled a little Chardonnay on it) saying hemp-THC drinks are “unregulated intoxicants” that need to be shut down until there’s a “robust federal framework.”
Translation: “We’re losing customers to drinks that don’t cause liver failure or bad karaoke, and we need adult supervision.”
The Drunk Elephant in the Room: Alcohol Literally Kills People
Let’s start with some light math:
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Alcohol kills 140,000 Americans every year.
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Hemp drinks kill zero.
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Alcohol causes 1 in 10 deaths among working-age adults.
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Hemp drinks cause 1 in 10 snack cravings.
Yet somehow, the booze industry has decided they are the moral authority on what kind of “intoxication” should be allowed in polite society.
This is the same crew that plasters billboards with “Drink Responsibly” while simultaneously selling pre-mixed 12% margaritas in a gas station cooler next to the Slim Jims.
Meanwhile, hemp drink makers are over here like:
“Hey, this 5mg drink might make you laugh at a ceiling fan and sleep like a baby. Don’t drive, hydrate, have fun.”
And Congress is like:
“Hmm… better ban that until we understand it.”
But These Hemp Drinks Aren’t Regulated!”
That’s the line. That’s their scary-sounding complaint.
“We need regulations! We don’t know what’s in them!” cry the same lobbyists whose products come in neon-colored “Hard Lemonade” bottles that teens mistake for juice.
The irony is staggering. Alcohol companies want federal oversight of hemp drinks — not because they care about safety — but because they know how regulation works:
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Regulation = barriers to entry.
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Barriers to entry = only the rich survive.
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Only the rich survive = big alcohol wins again.
They’ve played this game for 100 years. First they fought Prohibition (when they were the rebels). Now they’re the establishment fighting the new rebels.
They went from “Stick it to The Man!” to “We are The Man.”
The Real Threat: A Buzz Without Regrets
Let’s be real: hemp drinks are gaining traction because they give people what they actually want — to feel good without wrecking their body.
They’re low-dose, mild, and predictable.
They don’t lead to 3 a.m. Taco Bell runs or blackout texts to exes.
People are waking up and realizing:
“Wait, I can sip a 5mg THC seltzer, get social, and not wake up feeling like I swallowed a sand dune?”
Meanwhile, Big Alcohol is pacing in a boardroom, sweating through their linen shirts, whispering:
“They’re having fun without us.”
That’s why they’re scared. Not because hemp drinks are dangerous — but because they’re too safe.
No one dies. No one fights. No one wakes up missing a shoe and an iPhone.
You never hear:
“Bro, remember that time we split a 2mg hemp soda and I threw up in your Uber?”
It just doesn’t happen.
The Alcohol Industry’s “Think of the Children” Routine
Now, to sell this moral panic, the booze lobby is dusting off their favorite PR playbook: “protect the children.”
Ah yes, the same people who bring you “Fireball Cinnamon” — a product that looks like candy, tastes like candy, and has literally been mistaken for candy — are worried kids might somehow find a hemp drink.
Because nothing screams “family safety” like a 1.75-liter plastic handle of “UV Blue Raspberry Vodka.”
If these guys really cared about youth safety, they’d stop naming products after desserts and cartoon animals. You can’t sell “Twisted Tea Mango Punch” and then act shocked that people like drinks with flavor.
Let’s Talk About the “Intoxicating” Part
This is the funniest word in their argument — “intoxicating.”
Because if we’re banning “intoxicating” things until regulations are perfect, then hand over your:
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Whiskey
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Tequila
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Beer
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Wine
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Caffeine
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Sugar
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TikTok
Seriously, alcohol lobbyists calling hemp drinks “intoxicating” is like a tiger filing a complaint about loud house cats.
They just don’t like that someone else discovered a smoother buzz — one that doesn’t make people cry to 90s ballads or DM their ex.
The Real “Unregulated” Market? Alcohol
Let’s not pretend alcohol has always been the poster child for safety.
Remember when Four Loko existed? That was a caffeinated, high-alcohol grenade in a can. It literally sent people to the ER because the mix of caffeine and booze tricked brains into thinking they were fine while their blood alcohol soared.
Or what about when beer companies marketed malt liquor as “power drinks” to underprivileged neighborhoods in the 90s?
Yeah — these are the same guys now saying hemp seltzers are the Wild West.
The difference? Hemp brands are voluntarily lab-testing, publishing COAs, and clearly labeling dosage. When was the last time you saw a vodka bottle list its ingredients beyond “vodka”?
Alcohol: The Original “Gateway Substance”
Let’s face it — alcohol has been society’s go-to drug for centuries. It’s woven into weddings, funerals, office parties, first dates, and bad decisions.
But when it comes to actual harm:
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Alcohol is addictive.
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Alcohol is a carcinogen.
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Alcohol destroys organs.
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Alcohol makes people aggressive.
Hemp drinks? They make people giggle, eat string cheese, and discuss whether their cat has thoughts.
The worst-case scenario with a hemp beverage is someone falls asleep halfway through Planet Earth.
So when booze execs talk about “protecting consumers,” what they mean is “protecting our market share.”
💀 Alcohol’s Death Toll vs. Hemp’s Nap Count
Let’s play “Spot the Difference.”
| Stat | Alcohol | Hemp Drinks |
|---|---|---|
| Annual Deaths (U.S.) | 140,000+ | 0 |
| Medical Emergencies | Millions (ER visits, liver disease, poisoning) | Occasional anxiety text to friend |
| Hangovers | Standard feature | None |
| Violence Correlation | High | Almost non-existent |
| Regretful Tattoos | Off the charts | “Maybe a mushroom sticker” |
| Scent After Use | Sour regret | Watermelon terpene |
And yet the liquor lobby insists hemp drinks are the problem.
That’s like McDonald’s accusing a salad bar of contributing to obesity.
The Science Bit (Because Someone Has to Be Serious)
Hemp-derived THC beverages (typically delta-9 extracted from hemp, under 0.3% concentration per dry weight) are fully legal under the 2018 Farm Bill.
They’re dosed in milligrams — not mystery units — and the reputable companies are all posting lab certificates of analysis (COAs) verifying potency and purity.
Meanwhile, the alcohol industry is regulated, yes — but the health outcomes are well-documented:
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Alcohol is directly linked to 200+ diseases.
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It’s a Group 1 carcinogen (same category as asbestos and tobacco).
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It’s a leading cause of liver failure and domestic violence incidents.
So when the booze lobby demands hemp beverages be banned for “safety,” it’s like Marlboro asking the FDA to ban vapes for being too smooth.
The Political Theater
What’s really happening is simple: Big Booze sees consumer trends shifting and wants to buy time.
“Ban it until regulated” really means “Ban it until we can buy it.”
They’ll lobby for a framework, then magically acquire a hemp seltzer startup, and suddenly it’ll be fine again — but with a $14.99 price tag and a celebrity face on the can.
Just wait until you see Bud Light High or Jack & THC Cola on shelves. Then, poof, the “safety concerns” will disappear faster than a tequila memory.
A Little Free Advice for Big Alcohol
If you’re reading this, Big Booze, let me help:
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Adapt, don’t attack. People aren’t abandoning alcohol because they hate you. They’re just tired of feeling like garbage.
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Collaborate with hemp brands. Make a THC mocktail line. Call it “Weed the People.”
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Own your hypocrisy. Maybe don’t call anyone else “intoxicating” while your entire industry exists to intoxicate.
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Stop pretending you’re the safety patrol. You’re literally the reason “last call” exists.
The hemp beverage revolution isn’t your enemy — it’s your evolution.
A Message to the Hemp Bev Bros: Unity or Bust
Alright, Hemp Bev Bros — gather around the kegerator (the THC one, not the IPA one).
It’s time for some real talk.
While Big Booze is busy clutching its bar napkins, the real storm hasn’t even started yet.
Because if you think alcohol lobbyists are a pain, just wait until Big Pharma steps onto the field.
Those guys don’t play beer pong — they play chess with FDA rulebooks, billion-dollar lobbying budgets, and “clinical studies” that mysteriously end with their pills being the only legal option.
You think a letter from the alcohol industry is bad?
Pharma will roll in wearing lab coats, waving “patient safety” flags, and quietly buying patents on your cannabinoids while Congress nods along.
That’s why we — the hemp drinkers, hemp brewers, hemp mixologists, hemp innovators — have to stick together.
No more infighting over who’s “delta this” or “compliant that.”
No more sniping between beverage brands, gummy brands, and hemp farmers.
We’re all playing on the same field, under the same Farm Bill sky.
And if we don’t start moving as one voice — Big Booze, Big Weed, and Big Pharma will decide our future for us.
So here’s the deal:
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Partner with other hemp brands.
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Share resources, legal intel, and marketing power.
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Back each other up when the hearings start and the lobbyists swarm.
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Stop acting like competition — act like coalition.
Because this fight isn’t just about beverages.
It’s about ownership of the next generation of wellness and recreation.
The alcohol guys had their century.
Big Pharma’s had three.
Now it’s our turn — if we can stay united long enough to claim it.
So raise your hemp seltzer high, Bev Bros.
Let’s toast to the weird, the wild, the plant-powered.
Let’s be the generation that built something new — and refused to sell it out.
Because divided hemp falls.
But united hemp?
That’s Limitless. 🌿
Final Toast
To the alcohol industry:
We raise our hemp seltzers in your honor.
May you one day realize that the world can handle two kinds of buzz — and only one of them ends with someone texting their ex “u up?”
