There’s a silent war brewing in the cannabis industry — one so effervescent, so lime-flavored, and so full of electrolytes, that it’s shaking the very foundations of what it means to be a “true” cannabis user.
Yes, I’m talking about THC beverages.
Yes, I’m suggesting we ban them.
And yes, I’m entirely serious… unless you read to the end.
Part I: The Rise of the BevBro™ Empire
It all started innocently enough. A couple of “entrepreneurs” (read: guys who bought a SodaStream and have a cousin in distro) decided that cannabis would be cooler, sexier, and more marketable if it came in a can. They threw some THC in sparkling water, slapped on a pastel label, and bam — BevBro culture was born.
Now they’re everywhere. At music festivals, farmers markets, rooftop bars. BevBros in backwards hats sipping Mango Chill Elixirs with pinky fingers in the air, dropping phrases like “onset curve” and “hydrophobic nanoemulsion” as if they’re discussing IPOs instead of pop rocks for grown-ups.
It used to be that cannabis culture had soul. Now it has branding decks and brand ambassadors named Kyle.
Part II: This Whole Thing Started in Minnesota
Let’s rewind for a second, because this beverage-only supremacy complex didn’t appear out of nowhere.
This movement began in Minnesota, where — just a few years ago — the state government was threatening to ban both THC edibles and beverages outright. It was a moment of real danger for the hemp industry. Small businesses, consumers, and farmers were all about to lose access to safe, compliant, THC products — gummies and drinks.
Enter the Minnesota Hemp Association — the actual adults in the room. They stepped in to fight for inclusion, consumer safety, and regulatory clarity. They didn’t pick winners and losers. They advocated for everyone: edibles, beverages, tinctures, topicals, all compliant under the federal Farm Bill.
Thanks to that effort, Minnesota emerged with one of the most inclusive THC hemp product frameworks in the country. And for a moment, it seemed like everyone would win.
But outside of Minnesota, things took a turn.
That’s where the BevBro class saw their chance. In other states, beverage brands began lobbying for exclusive privileges: higher THC caps for drinks, tighter restrictions on edibles, and carve-outs designed to corner the market. And even in Minnesota — the land of “inclusion for all” — the BevBros couldn’t help themselves.
Instead of supporting all product categories, they lobbied almost exclusively for higher milligram limits in canned beverage formats. Not for gummies. Not for tinctures. Not for lozenges or tablets or hard candies. Just the bubbly stuff.
So even in the state that set the national example for access, fairness, and regulation, the beverage lobby still tried to tilt the field.
That’s not reform. That’s a power grab in a koozie.
Part III: Let’s Be Honest — THC Beverages Are a Slippery, Sparkly Slope
Let me lay it out plainly: THC beverages are dangerous.
Not in the “health risk” sense — no, let’s not get ridiculous. They’re dangerous to the spirit of cannabis. When cannabis becomes a prop for cool kids doing seltzer tastings, we’ve lost something sacred.
Cannabis used to be about rolling something yourself.
Now it’s about who can chug 5mg out of a branded Yeti faster.
How long before cannabis shows up in a vodka cranberry? Or worse… a mimosa?
Oh wait, too late — BevBros are already working on that.
Part IV: The Solemn Art of Edible Consumption
Let us contrast this with the noble edible. The gummy. The chew. The chocolate. The brownie (OGs know). These formats are dignified, requiring planning, patience, and faith.
You don’t “accidentally” eat a 10mg edible — unless you’re new here, in which case: welcome to the couch for the next 6 hours. With edibles, you commit. You measure. You wait. It’s ceremonial.
Edibles don’t need to be iced. They don’t need a koozie. They don’t show up with a Bluetooth speaker and a Patagonia vest. They sit quietly in your pocket, like a good friend who doesn’t ask questions when you need to forget what day it is.
They are the true expression of what cannabis was meant to be: slow, deep, meaningful, and fun. Let’s be real you can get fast acting edibles now.
Part V: The BevBro Manifesto (Decoded)
Let’s examine some of the talking points being peddled by the THC beverage lobby — and by “lobby” I mean 5 guys in a WeWork in Venice Beach who insist on calling their CEO “Chief Bubble Officer.”
“Beverages are more social.”
Translation: We want to hang out and drink weed like it’s a White Claw and not feel weird about it.
Counterpoint: That’s called peer pressure, Chad. Learn boundaries.
“Faster onset means more control.”
Translation: I want to take 2mg every 15 minutes and talk about it like I’m an astronaut microdosing for NASA.
Counterpoint: You’re at a barbecue in Minnetonka. Calm down.
“It’s just like drinking beer!”
Exactly. And that’s the problem. When cannabis becomes just like beer, it loses its uniqueness. Its vibe. Its history. Its ability to turn a Wednesday afternoon into a cosmic journey that ends with you realizing your cat is your best friend.
Cannabis doesn’t need to fit in. That’s why we loved it in the first place.
Part VI: Hypocrisy, Served Cold
Here’s the wildest part of this entire saga: in some regulatory frameworks and lobbying efforts, THC beverages are allowed, but other forms like gummies are not — or vice versa.
Excuse me?
You’re telling me that putting 5mg of THC in a fruit chew is somehow different — legally, morally, philosophically — than putting it in a carbonated liquid?
Does THC magically become more virtuous when it fizzes?
If your regulatory stance is “gummies bad, spritzers good,” what you’re really saying is:
“I have a beverage brand and I don’t want competition.”
That’s not public health. That’s a monopoly in a can.
Part VII: Just Kidding (Mostly)
Alright, let’s get real for a second.
This entire anti-beverage rant?
It’s satire.
I’m not actually here to ban THC beverages. (Though I do have questions about “cucumber basil” flavor.)
I’m here to show how absurd it is to carve out one product category — like beverages — and advocate for its exclusivity while banning or restricting others.
If your argument is “only THC drinks are safe,” you sound just as silly as someone arguing “only edibles are safe.”
Because guess what?
Cannabis is safe when used responsibly — in any form. Whether it’s a beverage, a gummy, a chocolate, a tincture, or a 3-foot bong with LEDs (hey, no judgment).
Cannabis is not the enemy.
Overregulation, protectionism, and anti-competitive policy frameworks are.
Final Thoughts: Let’s Stop Drawing Dumb Lines
The industry has room for everyone: the edible purists, the beverage enthusiasts, the tincture tinkerers, the topical evangelists, and yes — even the BevBros (provided they stop calling their brand “Craft Drankz”).
But what the industry doesn’t have room for is protectionism disguised as advocacy.
If your cannabis association only defends THC beverages while throwing gummies, tinctures, vapes, and topicals under the bus, you are not an advocate — you’re a cartel with a Canva subscription.
It’s time for these beverage-only cannabis associations to reform immediately. Include all compliant, hemp-derived products. Support small businesses in every format. Otherwise, let's call it what it is: corporate lobbying wrapped in community branding.
And if they refuse to reform?
Then maybe it’s time the broader hemp and cannabis industry — especially the small businesses, the makers, the independent retailers — starts dismantling these nonprofits altogether.
Because right now?
They’re doing more harm than good.
We don’t need more gatekeeping.
We need unity, equity, and access.
So whether you sip, chew, dab, or drop — we’re in this together.
Cheers — or chews — to a truly inclusive cannabis industry.
